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I was browsing my old magazines-slash-newspapers stach when I came across this article from two years back. It was entitled Panacea. Panacea is a cure for almost anything, be it physical, emotional or mental pain. And seriously, who doesn't want to have one? I need a cure to all these craziness. I need something to just make me feel alright, make me feel okay. Sometimes I wish everything would just stop because these days, things are a blur. They just pass by -- swoosh! I wish there is such a thing as a real-life, can afford by student, within reach of everyone (especially me) kind of drug. Oh that would be superb! :)

Is Intrams really the Senti-slash-Chuba season?! It's like Cupid is shooting his aroows everywhere! And the ferris wheel ride is even entitled "The Lover's Wheel." Geez. The next thing you know there'll be a love boat in school! Haha. But you know it's fun seeing everybody in bliss. I mean, believe it or not it seems as if everyone is in tuned with everyone else. These days, walang masyadong petty fights or what. Then eveyone is bonding with everyone else, dancing, singing, eating. And you'll be surprised, one moment they're all in senti mode ("Pinaasa niya lang ako, l*cheng pag-ibig to..") and then the next we're all dancing! ("I'm just your average joe..") It really is fun. I hope it doesn't end so soon!

Tomorrow's the OFFICIAL star of Intrams. Yaaaay! Can't believe it. Tomorrow's the concert too. haha. Let's just wait and see how many people will come.. I mean, SAWA NA LAHAT SA HALE, eh. Just wish they'd sing Broken Sonnet. Maybe, that will make their gig okay.

BTW, I think I know what (or who? haha) my panacea is. TSUP. :p


bawat sandali na lang..

I'm loving yet another OPM band: Join The Club. I first heard their song "Nobela" on the radio but I didn't really like it until I heard it again on Trinka's blog. The message of the song is a little sad but I really like it. I bought their CD just a while ago and I must say their songs are very impressive. Now, this time I'm serious: their songs were written FOR ME. Haha. I'm loving My Way With You, Hayaang Maidlip and Nobela. I liked how they wrote their songs with a heart, not forced or stereotypical. Almost all their songs are about matters of the heart but it's not tiring to listen to them since the message they convey is not the usual sappy lines we hear on other songs, but the real ones, the ones which we really feel. I think my love for this band will go on.. I just hope they don't end up as another packaged-gwapo-pacute band like Hale.

Can you believe how lucky my feet are? First Happy Feet, and now these! It's the Skechers Bikers Sightsee and it's gorgeous. I loved it the first time I saw it but I didn't have enough money to buy them (after buying Happy Feet do you think I'm still stuffed with all the moola?!). I really wasn't supposed to buy them, instead I wanted this nice pair of Adidas shoes Alex was wearing yesterday. My dad and I frantically searched for every possible shoe store in Makati: Landmark, SM and Glorietta, yet we failed. No sight of that pair. And then I saw these again and I said: how can I resist NOT buying them? They have holes so that my feet can breathe (haha! A sentence I never thought I can say) and it comes in a cute color too. My mom used our Landmark gift check, and the rest as they say, is history. So there, I'm geared for the Science Congress. A cool new pair of shoes, a rocking bakya, nice pair of sunglasses and you've got yourself a superstar. Haha. Feeling.

Congratulations Manny Pacquiao!! :) We first heard the results on the radio -- live and real. Dianne Castillejo was shouting and screaming and oh, it just feels so great! My mom and I were even praying and just seconds after saying "Amen," the referee declared Pacquiao the winner. I am SOOOOO PROUD. I'm not an avid boxing fan but you know how it is when it comes to big men like Manny Pacquiao: it's like everything stops and everyone is tuned in. I was even laughin because the streets were practically empty and all the sari-sari stores and carinderias were filled with people watching the delayed game on TV. It was such a nice feeling, knowing that everyone else is praying for Pacquiao's victory. And it makes me feel really glad that despite all the crises our country is suffering, we still cannot completely say being a Filipino sucks. Go PacMan! :D And btw, the economy is on a roll these days. I guess it's about time we all buy that Bayo shirt that says, "Pinay and proud!"

I'm doing this research on Paulinians since my groupmates decided to make a documentary about Paulies for Research. I wanted to really go back to my roots and trace all the famous Paulinians, and how good they have become in their fields. We are always inspired by Mrs. Crespo's stories during Bio class, about her students who are now big time reporters (Jennifer Alejandro) and company owners. I'm also looking at my mom's and tita's yearbooks and I can pretty much say nothing has changed -- Paulinians are always cheerful, warm, kind and simple. I wonder how our documentary will turn out? Oh well, I'll figure that out. Anyway, I was looking at my mom's high school pictures and I almost looked like her! Parang carbon copy (only my hair wasn't curled the Farrah Fawcett style :p). And she looked so beautiful wearing the Paulinian uniform: we were like sisters! Haha. I hope mom reads this. Hehe. :)

Oh darn, I want Cream-O.

"Hayaan mo na munang maidlip
At huwag mong isiping
balewala ka sa akin..
At kung magdilim huwag mong pansinin
Ang panaginip kong bitin
Na makapiling lang kita.."

-- Hayaang Maidlip by Join The Club


bouncing back.

I am sooooo happy today. I was expecting myself to freak out today but I'm glad everything turned out well. Yipee! Congrats to everyone! :) I'm happy and I hope everyone else is.

Anyway, what's up with me? I'm currently blogging at our laptop (yep, it's baaack!) and I missed it so bad. All my files were transferred to the PC, so I can't post any pics here right now but it's okay, I mean it's about time I stop being vain. Hehe. In this laptop I discovered the world of blogging, webdesign and HTML. Aww, stop me before I get all mushy again.

I was reading my previous posts and I swear I could laugh my head off! What was I thinking, publicly telling the world my feelings when I wasn't myself? Well it is my blog anyway. But STILL. I was in such a mess, I felt like I didn't even make any sense. Oh well, everything's okay. Nothing to worry about (hopefully) and I'm pretty sure I can pick myself up from where I fell. I must admit though, letting all those feelings out really made me feel okay. Maybe I'm not that much of a spongegirl anymore? Am I making progress? Heehee.

I'm listening to "You and Me" by Lifehouse and I just feel so.. at home. I don't know why but somehow I feel like everything's going to be okay. I suddenly felt like even though things are not the way they were, I know they'll still be something worth having. Sometimes I wonder if I make the right choices and if I can be able to live through life with decisions I partially disagree with. Sometimes I doubt if I am strong enough to stand up to something I chose but really didn't want. Life makes us choose things that we don't prefer but have to have. You know? Though I've only been living in this world for fourteen years, I can pretty much say that I've had enough experience to conclude that not all things in life are for free, sometimes we have to take risks. And along the way, we may doubt ourselves for giving up something we really want, risking something we have in the search for something more, something hopefully better. And we will never know if things will turn out to be much greater than before if we don't take the plunge. These past few days, I've been sorting things out, letting things sink in and doubting myself sometimes. But hearing Lifehouse singing that song made me feel really good. Maybe this is worth the risk. Maybe things don't have to be so stereotypical. Maybe things will still be the same. And maybe, everything will be worth the wait. :) So goodbye, damsel in distress and hello once again Wonder Woman. Are you still there, Batman? :)

Practices pa tomorrow. Haaaaay. Intrams na next week? Ohmaygulay. Bilis naman! Anyway, kuhanan nga pala ng cards ngayon and I was able to get really good grades in my favorite subjects: Geom and Soc Sci! I knew all those late night studying would pay off.

Watch out for the new adventures. Bombastarr by day, Wonder Woman by night.

psst, bescrush! :)

"All of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here.."

-- You And Me by Lifehouse


ilang isaw pa ba ang kakainin, o giliw ko?

I want isaw. It's been quite some time since I last had one.

This past few days I have been thinking of lots of things and now that I have the opportunity to blog, my mind suddenly went blank. Haha. Weird. Anyway, I wouldn't want to dive into the whole drama-queen mode again so I might as well control myself and just let everything sink in first. I might say something I will regret so I'll just let things flow for a while.. haha. Labo.

The Intrams will officially start next week! Yipee. I've been tired these past few days because I've been going to Gatchalian everyday after school for the meeting-slash-get-togethers of the cheerdancers and cheerleaders. Seriously, pahirapan talaga but I don't mind because we've been making progress. So far, we're almost through and I swear it's good! You guys just have to wait and see. Hehe. :) To the P, to the I , to the N, to the K.. GO PINK! Woohoo!

I'm enjoying every bit of my Ultraelectromagneticjam CD. Of course the original versions are still better but the revivals are not so bad. I especially like Kitchie's version of Ligaya. I'm really loving the song right now! I can't get it out of my head.. LSS. And also Southborder's With A Smile. It's not that great but it is still something worth swooning over. Listening to the music of Eraserheads really makes me feel so.. good. There's just something about their songs that always makes me smile. Naaah. It's not too senti yet it's not mababaw either. Just the right amount of emo-ness. Haha. :p

Have you ever been SO addicted to something (or someone) that when it's taken away from you, you want to weep and die but there's nothing you can do because no one understands? That's the case with me and my favorite friend, the Jelly Tongue. I don't know what's up with Jelly Tongue, all I know is that I enjoy licking it until it's so gooey and soft that I have to bite it and oh God, just thinking about it makes me drool. The other day, as I approached the friendly manong in that musical Nestle mobile, all this excitement rushed in because it has been a long time since I last tasted a Jelly Tongue. And do you know how that friendly unknowing manong broke my heart?

"Iha, wala ng Jelly Tongue, hindi na sila gumagawa."

I WAS DEVASTATED. My world crashed into pieces I cannot even count anymore. No more Jelly Tongue? Why?! The last time I ate a Jelly Tongue was when I went to Nica's house and there were only a few pieces left. That was probably the last batch of Jelly Tongue in the area and I was actually lucky that I was able to buy it. But who knew that would be my last? I would be lucky if I chanced upon a few more JTs in some small stores but what if I don't? No more shaking-the-popsicle-stick-and-watching-the-Jelly-Tongue-wiggle times. I got so used to having one when I'm feeling down or empty, and now no more Jelly Tongues to make me feel better. :( Feels bad when you know you don't have the one thing that you can fall on to (okay I make it sound like my whole life depended on Jelly Tongue! Haha). Anyway my point is, it really is hard to let something we are used to having go. It's like giving up drugs when you're addicted. It's like putting down a stick of cigarette or a bottle of beer. And even though they're the smallest things, like Jelly Tongue in my case, they matter because they make you feel better. So what's a girl to do? I say get addicted to another thing. So I can't get myself Jelly Tongues anymore. But I can still get crinkles. And I LOVE crinkles. Those little pieces of heaven. Of course eating crinkles will never feel as good as licking Jelly Tongues but who says I can't enjoy? Life goes on, and I say move ahead but hold on. Hold on to things past because they bring you to the future. That's my new philosophy now. So I'll still think about Jelly Tongue sometimes but I'm okay with settling for crinkles. They're still yummy -- and cheap too! :)

I still have to make my dichotomous key for Bio. Sucks, right? Distribution of cards tomorow. Yikes! And by the way, just a few more days to go before the Congress! Super kaduper excited. Whoopee! :)

"And we had this down,
Unlike everybody.
Well I'll spend a million nights
Just like tonight, you know
I scream your name at the sky,
Until I lost my voice.
Well I'd give my life for you.."

-- Stay Tonight by Matchbook Romance


the art of holding on.

They say forget about the past and think about the future. Erase all your old messages, your old pictures and start life anew. It's bad to be stuck in the past because you won't be able to move on. Let go. Walk and never look back.

I was looking at my pictures in my cellphone and I realize I can't click the delete button. It was too hard for me to delete something from the past just like that. A part of me wanted to stay in the past. I wanted to remember how I was then, I wanted to see how much I've changed. I can't afford to erase everything. Besides, that would be a shame losing all your memories just like that when you have 64MB worth of space!

I find comfort in taking pictures of myself simply because I know there's one person who finds myself beautiful most of the time -- ME. I mean, who else can take staring at my face other than me?! My phone is proof of how vain I really am. I take pictures when I feel like it. I pose when I know I'm in the mood. And fortunately, almost all of them turn out to be good poses. Looking at my growing self-taken photograph collection I saw how my smile and eyes have changed in just a couple of years. Indeed, the braces have done a great miracle and my eyes seemed to have more sparkle. I used to look like a kiddie-girly-patweetums just before high school, and look at me now, a matured-slash-childlike little bitch. Haha. :) It surprises me that even though I haven't had any major makeovers (except maybe for rebonding, but I've always had my hair straightened before so that's not really new) I seem to have transformed into this woman. Relatives say I'm beginning to look like a young version of my mom. And yes, when I look at the mirror I too see the difference. I feel like my old self is lightyears away from who I am. Seeing the different Karla-istic smiles in my phone made me think of how far I've walked in this journey called life. It was only a year or so, and yet I have become this new person. I went through alot of confusion and troubles and yet I was still able to smile for that camera. Maybe it wasn't just the fact that I'm vain. Maybe because I wanted to be strong for myself. I wanted to make sure that despite all the craziness in life, I can still manage to pull my cheeks a little bit higher and turn my frown upside-down. Looking back, these pictures became symbols of how sad and fun life is. Sad because I don't have a perfect life and fun because I don't have a perfect life. Haha! They say I have grown-up already, being a teenager and all. They say I've bcome a critical thinker. And because of all this so-called maturity, people are telling me to move on, stop dreaming about being a princess and acting like a kid. But I can't, you know why? Because a part of me will always be that girl. I will always be the person I was, no matter how many times I change. And just the fact that I was able to overcome all my problems is enough reason for me to believe in myself that I can definitely overcome them in the future.

So am I really stuck in the past? By being too weak to delete all the precious memories of yester-years, does that make me someone who cannot move on? Maybe I just want to hold on simply because forgetting about everything that was behind me would make me empty. They made me become who I am now. I am me now because of the old me. And besides, it's not really wrong to look back every once in a while just to let yourself know how great you have become. So, I won't let go. I'll never let go. And no matter how many times you tell me to stop reminiscing, I will not. Because what has happened to me before is all part of who I am. And if I forget them, that would be rejecting half of my self.

And besides, if so many people believe in "Forget the past," then why the hell do we have to study History?!


Okay so I sound so dramatic. Anyway, I went to Nica's house today for the fiesta. Yum, yum cassava cake! And I was able to buy The Ultraelectromagneticjam album! Yipee! Thank you, Papa. Also, I probably won't be able to blog for a long time since I'll be very very VERY busy with everything. But I'd appreciate all the comments and tags. MUCH LOVE TO EVERYONE. :*

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."

-- Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda


friday the 13th.

Who said Friday the 13th was badluck for everyone? Certainly not for me. Today's supposed jinx definitely didn't do any harm on me and in fact, I was very lucky and happy today! Talk about the new Friday the 13th luck. I know the day is almost over but I still can't stop myself from counting all the good things that happened to me today. I want to disprove that superstition because that's what Geometry-loving babes like me do. Prove and disprove. Haha. Nyek, corny. :) Moving on to the list..

1. I saw the One Tree Hill commercial while eating breakfast! Woohoo.
2. The musical score of the commercial is "You and Me." :)
3. It didn't take me long to get a tricycle for school.:)
4. I was able to pay for the Science Congress already. Yipee!
5. I got 19/20 for our Biology test! Yaaay! My studying last night paid off. I usually get disappointed in Bio quizzes because it's either I review too much that I mix everything up or I review the wrong chapters! But today, I did quite well and I'm proud. Hooray for me
6. I was finally able to put the Similar Polygons in my system. Haha. I even had a "healthy" argument with Mrs. Santos. At least I participated even if I got the answer using the wrong solutions. Hehe
7. Our field demo practice in PE was grrrrrrreat! We were able to do our entrance, polish our steps and add new ones. I thought Ms. Gonzales was going to throw a fit because we have few steps and no tape yet. But today, she was actually nice and even made us laugh a lot.:)
8. I got a perfect score in our Soc Sci quiz! I didn't even review much. Well, actually I only got 18/20 but because of my accumulated pluses, I got a 20! Yaay!
9. Our practice for the Intrams was fun! We had our practice at the gym and we were able to execute the actions well. :)
10. I was finally able to eat one of my favorite after-school snacks again, the Koko Krunch cup from the Plaza. :)
11. When I reached home, I saw the OTH commercial again! :D

Sweet, right?

I'm so looking forward to the Science Congress on February 1-4. It would be another great opportunity to bond with my friends and co-Paulinians. Haay.. events like these always get me excited. I can imagine ourselves sneaking out in the middle of the night, waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to be first in the shower, finding lost food stubs, borrowing phone chargers, chatting in the dark using flashlights.. imagine a big sleepover! But of course it's not just about that. It's about representing the school and enriching ourselves more in the field of science. Naks. Can't wait.

I'm starting to love another new band: Switchfoot. I started listening to my mom's A Walk To Remember soundtrack for Dare You To Move and ending up loving their other songs like Only Hope! And I'm also a fan of Stars and You & Me. Wheee! You should listen to them. To say they're good would be an understatement. I'm thinking of downloading their songs for my iPod so that I'd have good new songs for the Intrams and the Congress! Hehe.

Recently, everyone's been feeling exhausted and I am no exception. Seriously, the changing of the schedules does not cut us some slack because it lengthens the practice time and blurs our mind because of confusion! At the end of the day we all look wasted and the fact that teachers and guards are yelling all the time is enough to make anyone go insane. By the fact you reach home, you're a hungry, sleepy and hot-headed creature, you suddenly don't feel like doing your assignments and all you want to do is just sleep. Yet, despite the lack of rest and review (for the quizzes and recitations! yikes) we all still manage to go to school the next day with a smile plastered on our face and new stories to tell. It's amazing. I myself wonder where I get all the strength to wake up early the next day despite only six hours of sleep. Hmm? Food for thought. Well, I do hope my body doesn't give up on me anytime soon because I can't afford to miss anything right now.

Haha sorry for the long post. I just feel like being madaldal today. Anyway, it's official: we're going to Bangkok again this summer! Woohoo!! I am SO excited! I can always go there because I love the place. We'll be staying in a cheaper hotel but still near the shopping places. I think this time we'll be near MBK (a big shopping mall) Oh yeah. Anyone want to make bilin? :) hehe. Got to run. Mwah.

"Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide"

-- Collide by Howie Day


    tick, tock, tick, tock.. BOOM.

    New layout. I didn't really want to change the Naley one but I felt like it was time to move on.. naaah, drama. But seriously I made this as an "anniversary" layout since this February, Bombastarr will be celebrating its 1st Birthday! Yipee. I made this blog during my free time, telling myself that this would be my "secret" blog and no one else will know. It was supposed to be my back-up when I can't blog in my Geocities site. But because I eventually got tired of uploading my site every now and then, I decided to move back to Blogger, the user-friendly blog host. And the rest is history. My first few posts were even in text-from, Taglish and I swear I was always in a bad mood then. Hehe. But I can say my writing has improved (somehow) and I'm proud that after one year, many people have visited and praised my blog. Thank you, and much love to you all. :)

    The Intramurals is really just around the corner. Only a few more weeks and it's heaven for us! Though practices are tiring and take forever to finish, I can say it's a bit fulfilling too, knowing that you're part of a team and all your hardwork will hopefully pay off in the end. I remember last year, I made lots of new friends from the Pink team. Though we're not close, it's nice to know that there are new faces and smiles you can see when you walk along the hallways. And the concert last year really rocked! I had an injury but I still sang on stage! Haha. And it was Rivermaya who played. This year, it's Hale *groans* and though most of you expected me to shout for joy, I didn't. I unfortunately grew tired of them. Somehow, they became this big gwapo boyband. Fame made them so "typical," the usual pogi lead singer, senti songs, the whole thing. And it's like a package deal already. I still like Broken Sonnet though but it really disappointed me that in a few months they changed. And now there are rumors that they will only sing four songs?! My god! And how much is the ticket?! I sure hope it's not true. Because that will SURELY make Paulinians go mad. Good thing there are rides for me to spend my money on (haha!) or else Intrams this year would really be corny. Oh well, let's just wait and see.

    Got to go, One Tree Hill will be on in a few minutes! :)
    Hugs for everyone! *huuuuuuuug*

    "If a great wave shall fall, fall upon us all.. well, I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you.."


    donut worry, i'm gonna be ookie.

    We went to SM today and got myself a tall glass of Mocha Valencia, hoping that it might make me feel better for a little while. And yes, I felt like heaven while savoring every sip but afterwards I realized it was a very, very wrong move! Now, I'm all dizzy and my heart is racing. I'm so nervous! I don't even know why. This is how I feel when there are big presentations or exams coming up, but no, today is just an ordinary day. I have never felt this way after drinking coffee before! I couldn't sleep.. I'm on a high! I couldn't even type properly on the keyboard and I'm hearing voices in my head: Nathan and Haley's. Haha. Don't worry I don't think I'm going crazy though.

    Anyway, I think the coffee has some good side effects too since I was able to apologize to the people I hurt. Quite unsuspected but the caffeine probably switched me to kapal-face mode that was why I was able to muster enough courage and say sorry. Well, well. I guess I can say that the drama is ALMOST over. I just hope things will get better soon.

    Ever heard of the Celestine Prophecy? It's a book about the coincidences in our lives. My aunt told me that in the book, it says that sometimes these coincidences were meant to be seen, these signs were destined for us because it will direct us to the path we are meant to live. I have yet to read the book, but so far I'm believing it. It's something like serendipity. Fate. And isn't it great to believe in this? I mean, yeah, the world I live in now is very stereotypical. Happiness only depends on beauty, popularity and for some, sex. But I actually believe in signs. I know there are there for a purpose. The signs are not going to make things happen, it's going to MOVE US to make things happen. Again, I'm reminded of the song "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot. I'm thinking of this other thing and I'm actually considering things through. All the signs are like pointing to a decision.. but I'm still having a dilemma. Oh well, maybe it's about time I stop being so selfish. And it's also probably about time to make Dare You To Move the soundtrack of my life. After all, you can always think that today never happened before. Wink. ;)

    Now that I've mentioned it, I guess I have to really think about it now, huh? It's techincally an easy choice considering all the good consequences that might come after doing it, but it still makes me feel bad about all the things that will change. See, I'm a person who HATES change, really. I hate it that things aren't going to stay perfect forever. I hate it that when things are going great, something is gonna disrupt it. I hate it that not everything goes my way. But that's life right? Ironic as it sounds, change is constant. And sometimes, even though it hurts, maybe all we have to do is see the good that might come out of it. We can't stop it. Sometimes, we just have to take the risk for something better. And who knows what would happen when we actually make the right choices? I know that sometimes making the right decisions is hard, especially if it means giving up something important to us. But we will never know until it happens, right? Maybe after this, all will be better. Maybe, things will turn out to be much more exciting than before. And maybe, just maybe, I'm still going to get my happy ending after all. Whatever happens, I'll still be hanging on.

    Wow, now I realize maybe drinking coffee isn't as bad as it seems. I was able to make my decision!! Haha. Funny how things work. Anyway, I was watching OTH (again!) in my room and it just made me feel better once more. After all the bizarre happenings, I sort of forgot how it feels like to just sit on my bed and watch my favorite people go through their lives. It makes me feel quite happy actually, knowing that I'm not caught up in a love triangle with my best friend or that I don't have any secret half-brothers who steal my thunder. Then I suddenly remembered about the Karla-Haley thing. I'm okay with me still trying to be like her. I haven't had a total transformation yet, though. I'm not rushing myself. I'll just let things flooooow. Now that I think about it, maybe I really did make the right choice. And I'm glad that whatever happens, I know I have a Nathan there to be with me. Woohoo! Go Mrs. Scott.

    I have to go. Geometry assignment. Sheesh, properties of a proportion? Another new lesson to love and hate. Love to all.

    "And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you.."


    when everything feels like the movies..

    You bleed just to know you're alive.
    I'm not bleeding though.

    So after that very emo post, I guess I'm still recovering. Not yet on my normal mode, but hopefully soon. I really didn't expect to be all dramatic that day but what can I do when everything just started to pour out? Sigh. I guess we all deserve moments like those sometimes. But I can say that the thing that happened last Thursday really had an impact to me. People may not know it (though some did after reading my post), but I am really having a hard time going through this. I started doubting myself and how I have been as a friend and as a person these past few days. Now I realized that the reason why they probably misunderstood me and what I did is because I never really show my true colors. Even though I've been telling myself to stop being a spongegirl, I can't help it. And now it lead to another bad incident. I really don't want people to see what I feel because I don't want them to think that I'm being over-acting or too dramatic. I just pretend to always laugh and though I know I am a cheerful and positive person, I really can't help it when there are days that I just feel down. But I don't want others to feel bad because of me, that's why I just resort to the next best thing: smiling and pretending that everything is okay. Though some people can "read" me and know when I feel bad or down, there are still times when I still don't admit how I feel or just joke about it because I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. Let's say I'm jealous of someone. I know my close friends know I'm jealous but sometimes I just fool around and say, "Oo! Kasi siya eh!" so that they wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. Sometimes, it works because either they lay off or they really see through what I really feel. But there are just some cases when I don't even want to bother dropping hints about what I feel and I just want to shut everybody out. Like explaining WHY I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel like I've said it too many times already that they wouldn't understand why I still feel that way. And it really puts me in this confusing state wherein I don't know how to deal with things anymore. Should I tell or should I keep it? They say I must admit what I feel, but when I do will they understand? I always end up thinking that they will never get it. So now, when everything turns into a mess, I expect them to understand me but then I realize, how could they? They don't even know. How can they understand what they do not know? I think I always put in mind the saying, "What you do not know will not harm you," that's probably why I don't always tell them how I feel. I keep on telling myself that they wouldn't be the ones who will get hurt by these emotions. It's my heart, it's my life. Now I realized that it is true, my feelings and thoughts will not hurt them but what I do with these emotions can be painful. And suddenly, I realized how selfish I have been when I kept all my feelings inside. I didn't spare them but I actually caused them pain. Absorbing may have worked in the beginning but it definitely backfired in the end.

    I'm still not over this. Though things seem to be normal, I know it isn't. Even though we're THIS close, I feel miles apart. And even though we talk, I feel like nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? I feel so miserable. I was hoping that thinking about the Science Congress would make me feel better for a while. Now I feel worse.

    Who am I kidding? I know YOU are reading this. Sorry. I just feel bad, that's all. Not your fault, whoever you are. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. :(

    "I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'll understand.. when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."


    someone was not thinking.

    We went to Starbucks the other day and I was able to savor once again that wonderful aroma, that oh-so-lovable taste and everything amazing that goes with it: Mocha Valencia. Haaaay. A cup is seriously equivalent to heaven. And everything after that was a blur. I was like on a high or something. Don't worry though, it's nothing serious. Just missing coffee.

    So what am I up to lately? Well, I've been filling up my new Starbuck planner *ehem, ehem* and surprisingly, it already has lots of plans and events in it. Quite a surprise for me since I'm not really the type of persons who keeps planners. I just used it because it was given to me by my tita, and I know that it's not easy to get a Starbucks planner (21 stamps! Around P2100?) so I might as well use it. And besides, the new SM Annex (aka Jolex, since it's an extension of SM Jologs :p) has Starbucks so I can use the coupons.

    I hate it. I hate it that when everything is finally okay, something or someone will come and disturb the "peace." You actually think that everything is back to normal when all of a sudden a big, bad villain will come and ruin it for you. Sometimes though, that thing doesn't destroy it directly. They come and because of them you do the stupid things. I hate it when that happens. It's my fault, yet it's theirs too. But you don't want to blame them because that would be too selfish. I don't know. And I hate this feeling, you know? I feel hot (not THAT kind of hot) and miserable. My ears are heating up, and oh I just feel so.. guilty? selfish? I really don't know! It's just so terrible. Sometimes I really try to hold myself together and just when I thought I did, I break into tiny little pieces, then it becomes harder to put myself back together again. How am I ever going to redeem myself from this? This is what I've always been fearing. To let others down because of stupid little emotional me. Why do I have to be born sensitive-slash-emotional?! I feel like crap already because I cannot even control my feelings even if I try to. I absorb, things go bad. I explode, things go worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish things were simpler. I feel like over time, I grew into this complicated thing that even myself cannot understand anymore. There are nights when I can't go to sleep because I try to decode all these emotional breakdowns. And I just cry myself to sleep because I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. I mean, sometimes all the reasons and proofs are right there in front of me, and yet I cannot see them. Am I blind or just plain stupid? I feel so close and yet, so far away from things sometimes. Then I wonder how and why people are still there for me. It's like all of a sudden I don't know then anymore and I don't even know myself. This is bullsh*t. Now I think I'm going to go paranoid. I just can't hold it back anymore. And now it's weird because tears aren't streaming down my face. I usually cry in times of these! Are my eyes too dried out? But let me tell you, my chest hurts like hell. I cannot even understand why I still manage to type despite the pain (physically, emotionally and mentally). Maybe I need a shrink or something. HOW CAN I BE SO STUPID AND DUMB?! And now I think I know what's going to happen next. Someone will isolate me, will not talk to me, will pretend I'm not even there. Probably I deserve it this time. But I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Really. I don't want to cry because nothing really happens when I cry. And I don't want to pretend that everything is normal though because it will just make the pain worse. OH GEEZ. I really don't know what to do. I'm so stupid, selfish, dumb, jealous, COMPLICATED. No one knows how to control Karla the monster, even me! It's sad. Tragic. I wished that my 2006 be something better but how can I be so sure when it is already having a very, very rocky start? I made a vow to be like Haley. And now I'm afraid that I'm turning into a Brooke. Or worse, a Nicki.

    Conscience: Fool! No amount of One Tree Hill can ever make you feel better. You are stupid. You are a big idiot.
    Stupid Me: Sorry?

    Unfortunately, the one thing I can do will NEVER be enough. Sorry will not be enough to change what had happened. But with all my heart I mean it. I'm sorry. I didn't know things will turn out that way. And I will understand if you don't accept it. I'm just really, really sorry. Once again my selfishness and jealousy took over and unlike before, I don't even know if I can ever feel normal again.

    Oh god I just remembered what date it is today. And tomorrow. Shit.
    Someone just please stab me.

    "There are two tragedies in life: to find your heart's desire and to lose it."


    going bananas.

    B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Haha. Kidding.

    It's the second day of the year and I can pretty much say that nothing has changed since I am here, as usual, in front of our computer and blogging. I'm doing my assignments though and catching up with my friends through Yahoo Messenger. Multitasking? Or is that dovetailing? Whatever. THE seems to be lightyears away from me now. Anyway, our English teacher tasked us to review two different kinds of chocolate as our "Christmas" project. Most of you will get excited with this but I am not. I have tonsillitis and though I can eat chocolates, I have to drink tons of water after. I grew up not feeling the same thrill you guys probably have when it comes to chocolate. I know, sad right? The thing is I don't like stuffing myself with water because I feel really.. heavy. I feel dizzy. I don't know but it happens. And if I eat chocolate, I would have to do just that. So now I'm having doubts if I will sacrifice myself and eat chocolates for the sake of the project or just cheat and ask my mom since she loves chocolates. Funny situation, right? Oh geez.

    I just finished reading all the three Gossip Girl books I got for Christmas. And now, I feel miserable because 1.) I don't have anything to read now, 2.) I felt like I wasted my grandma's money since I finished them all in a week and 3.) I want to buy the next one!! The 6th book ended great though and now it's my favorite! Finally, Nate and Blair patched things up. I just hope Nate won't go fishing for other fish in the sea again, if you know what I mean. Am I such a spoiler? Sorry. :) I took the quiz at gossipgirl and I turned to be Blair. Yipee! Blair is the character with whom I have this love-hate thing. Sometimes I totally root for her and sometimes I just want to kick her butt and say, "What the hell is your problem?!" Maybe it's because of her bitchiness, her drama-queenish persona, her forgiving heart (especially when it comes to Nate!), her strong affections, her hit-and-miss attitude or her great admiration for Audrey Hepburn. Whatever it is, I always end up liking her more after every book probably because she always leaves us wondering what she's going to do next. She's not as unpredictable as Serena but when she does crazy things, they really are crazy. Haaay. Stop me before I get caught up with this again.

    Classes on Wednesday. Oh my. I don't want to think of any negative thoughts (i.e. homeworks, quizzes and projects. Ooh! And teachers!) right now since it's just the start of the new year so I guess I'll just put in mind that I have to go to school because I want to see my friends. haha. That should be enough reason to pull me out of bed by Wednesday morning. :)

    Have to go. That chocolate project is waiting for me.
    Love to all who commented, tagged and to all those who are strong enough to stick by their new year's resolutions. haha. And oh, to those who are so kind enough to believe that I am indeed Haley. You know who you are! :) Mwaaaaaah.

    "Time goes by so slowly for those who wait.."


    woof woof. bark bark. arf arf.

    Wow! Six hours and a couple more minutes to go and hello 2006! Another year full of hopefully happiness and lesser pain. Whatever. Twelve more months of life. Yipee.

    Last night we watched the Pyro Olympics along Macapagal. We weren't on the exact place it was held, we were somewhere along the tiangges along with a good number of people. My, my we waited for 2 hours! And that was just for the first country. Then another 2 hours for the next one. But the wait is worth it. The fireworks display was fantastic. I must admit, I was so amazed I even ooh-ed and aah-ed with the crowd. Harhar. So anyway, while waiting I was thinking of how life for 2006 might be. As I watched the fireworks display, I kinda remembered what I used to say to myself when I was down. That life was just like the sky, sometimes sunny, sometimes rainy, sometimes cloudy and sometimes just plain dark, like the night. It changes and it's normal. Watching the fireworks reminded me of something. Fireworks don't last very long, just a few seconds. But they look so beautiful, and they are so bright and colorful that it doesn't matter how long they stay in the sky, we always remember how fantastic they were. And after the fireworks display, they're gone but we will always treasure the moments we had when we saw them. The reaction, the amazement, the happy feeling. I can say this year has been full of 'fireworks' for me. I didn't really enjoy it that much unlike the other years, but I can say that a lot of good little things happened during the three hundred and sixty five days I've spent. They didn't last long but they certainly warmed my heart or put a smile on my face. And you know the saying, "The smallest flame is the one that burns the brightest"? Well that goes out to all the special little happenings in my life. You see, I entered 2005 with a heartbreak. I just came from a bad fight and everything was sort of in a mess. Then came second year and obviously, it wasn't the best year I had. But there were simple things that happened to me and though they weren't huge or life-altering, I can say they were pretty special and they made me stronger. Like the Intrams during my freshman year. Everything sort of fell in their respective places after that. I had a nasty accident but so what? I sang on stage for Rivermaya. :p Or the Cadbury Pinky bar Nica gave me. Who would've thought it would be my last? They're not selling Cadbury Pinkies anymore, but that one really tasted so heavenly. The marshmallow, the caramel.. aaah. Or my birthday this year. Technically, I got a box. But a box full of special things that mattered to me: songs, storybooks (about Princess Aurora of course!), letters, LOVE from people who care. And of course One Tree Hill. Hehe. These are just few of the fireworks I had this year. To a regular person, these are probably just a bunch of crap. But to me, they're special, because they made me smile, they made me look forward to the days to come. And though they didn't actually make big changes in life, I will always remember them. Because they managed to light up my "sky," even for a little while.

    Do I have a New year's Resolution? I really don't make one because I end up getting frustrated when I can't do it. But this year, I decided to have one, just so I would be inspired to do good things. haha. I want to be Haley. (Here I go again with the OTH talk! I can't seem to stop!) I want to be happy in simple ways. I want to be the bestest friend I'll ever be to my friends. I want to share my time and knowledge to those who need it. I want life to be simple. I want to be in love (calling Nathan Scott!). I just want to be someone that is not too far away from who I am right now. Just a better, upgraded version of me. haha, is that what it's supposed to be called? Whatever. Wish me luck on my so-called resolution. Good luck on yours too!

    Got this from Patty.
    What this is:
    List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, they must be songs that you're really enjoying right now. Post these intructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they are listening to.
    The Seven Songs
    1. Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
    2. More Than Anyone by Gavin De Graw
    3. Crash Into You by Dave Matthews band
    4. Prinsesa by Teeth
    5. I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin De Graw
    6. Stars by Switchfoot
    7. Far Away by Nickelback
    The Seven People: Cars, Rina, Janine, Lala, Gliza, CJ and Ate Janina.

    Long post? Sorry. Last naman na for this year. I'm so excited to jump! Haha. I need to grow taller. How else can I kiss James Lafferty if he's so tall? Oh well, height doesn't matter anyway. :p

    Love to all. Happy New Year!
    Awooooooooooo! Arf, arf! =]

    "I wanted you to stay, ‘Cause I needed, I need to hear you say that I love you, I have loved you all along.. And I forgive you for being away for far too long.. So keep breathing, 'cause I’m not leaving.. Hold on to me.." -- Far Away by Nickelback