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the art of holding on.

They say forget about the past and think about the future. Erase all your old messages, your old pictures and start life anew. It's bad to be stuck in the past because you won't be able to move on. Let go. Walk and never look back.

I was looking at my pictures in my cellphone and I realize I can't click the delete button. It was too hard for me to delete something from the past just like that. A part of me wanted to stay in the past. I wanted to remember how I was then, I wanted to see how much I've changed. I can't afford to erase everything. Besides, that would be a shame losing all your memories just like that when you have 64MB worth of space!

I find comfort in taking pictures of myself simply because I know there's one person who finds myself beautiful most of the time -- ME. I mean, who else can take staring at my face other than me?! My phone is proof of how vain I really am. I take pictures when I feel like it. I pose when I know I'm in the mood. And fortunately, almost all of them turn out to be good poses. Looking at my growing self-taken photograph collection I saw how my smile and eyes have changed in just a couple of years. Indeed, the braces have done a great miracle and my eyes seemed to have more sparkle. I used to look like a kiddie-girly-patweetums just before high school, and look at me now, a matured-slash-childlike little bitch. Haha. :) It surprises me that even though I haven't had any major makeovers (except maybe for rebonding, but I've always had my hair straightened before so that's not really new) I seem to have transformed into this woman. Relatives say I'm beginning to look like a young version of my mom. And yes, when I look at the mirror I too see the difference. I feel like my old self is lightyears away from who I am. Seeing the different Karla-istic smiles in my phone made me think of how far I've walked in this journey called life. It was only a year or so, and yet I have become this new person. I went through alot of confusion and troubles and yet I was still able to smile for that camera. Maybe it wasn't just the fact that I'm vain. Maybe because I wanted to be strong for myself. I wanted to make sure that despite all the craziness in life, I can still manage to pull my cheeks a little bit higher and turn my frown upside-down. Looking back, these pictures became symbols of how sad and fun life is. Sad because I don't have a perfect life and fun because I don't have a perfect life. Haha! They say I have grown-up already, being a teenager and all. They say I've bcome a critical thinker. And because of all this so-called maturity, people are telling me to move on, stop dreaming about being a princess and acting like a kid. But I can't, you know why? Because a part of me will always be that girl. I will always be the person I was, no matter how many times I change. And just the fact that I was able to overcome all my problems is enough reason for me to believe in myself that I can definitely overcome them in the future.

So am I really stuck in the past? By being too weak to delete all the precious memories of yester-years, does that make me someone who cannot move on? Maybe I just want to hold on simply because forgetting about everything that was behind me would make me empty. They made me become who I am now. I am me now because of the old me. And besides, it's not really wrong to look back every once in a while just to let yourself know how great you have become. So, I won't let go. I'll never let go. And no matter how many times you tell me to stop reminiscing, I will not. Because what has happened to me before is all part of who I am. And if I forget them, that would be rejecting half of my self.

And besides, if so many people believe in "Forget the past," then why the hell do we have to study History?!


Okay so I sound so dramatic. Anyway, I went to Nica's house today for the fiesta. Yum, yum cassava cake! And I was able to buy The Ultraelectromagneticjam album! Yipee! Thank you, Papa. Also, I probably won't be able to blog for a long time since I'll be very very VERY busy with everything. But I'd appreciate all the comments and tags. MUCH LOVE TO EVERYONE. :*

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."

-- Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda