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someone was not thinking.

We went to Starbucks the other day and I was able to savor once again that wonderful aroma, that oh-so-lovable taste and everything amazing that goes with it: Mocha Valencia. Haaaay. A cup is seriously equivalent to heaven. And everything after that was a blur. I was like on a high or something. Don't worry though, it's nothing serious. Just missing coffee.

So what am I up to lately? Well, I've been filling up my new Starbuck planner *ehem, ehem* and surprisingly, it already has lots of plans and events in it. Quite a surprise for me since I'm not really the type of persons who keeps planners. I just used it because it was given to me by my tita, and I know that it's not easy to get a Starbucks planner (21 stamps! Around P2100?) so I might as well use it. And besides, the new SM Annex (aka Jolex, since it's an extension of SM Jologs :p) has Starbucks so I can use the coupons.

I hate it. I hate it that when everything is finally okay, something or someone will come and disturb the "peace." You actually think that everything is back to normal when all of a sudden a big, bad villain will come and ruin it for you. Sometimes though, that thing doesn't destroy it directly. They come and because of them you do the stupid things. I hate it when that happens. It's my fault, yet it's theirs too. But you don't want to blame them because that would be too selfish. I don't know. And I hate this feeling, you know? I feel hot (not THAT kind of hot) and miserable. My ears are heating up, and oh I just feel so.. guilty? selfish? I really don't know! It's just so terrible. Sometimes I really try to hold myself together and just when I thought I did, I break into tiny little pieces, then it becomes harder to put myself back together again. How am I ever going to redeem myself from this? This is what I've always been fearing. To let others down because of stupid little emotional me. Why do I have to be born sensitive-slash-emotional?! I feel like crap already because I cannot even control my feelings even if I try to. I absorb, things go bad. I explode, things go worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish things were simpler. I feel like over time, I grew into this complicated thing that even myself cannot understand anymore. There are nights when I can't go to sleep because I try to decode all these emotional breakdowns. And I just cry myself to sleep because I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. I mean, sometimes all the reasons and proofs are right there in front of me, and yet I cannot see them. Am I blind or just plain stupid? I feel so close and yet, so far away from things sometimes. Then I wonder how and why people are still there for me. It's like all of a sudden I don't know then anymore and I don't even know myself. This is bullsh*t. Now I think I'm going to go paranoid. I just can't hold it back anymore. And now it's weird because tears aren't streaming down my face. I usually cry in times of these! Are my eyes too dried out? But let me tell you, my chest hurts like hell. I cannot even understand why I still manage to type despite the pain (physically, emotionally and mentally). Maybe I need a shrink or something. HOW CAN I BE SO STUPID AND DUMB?! And now I think I know what's going to happen next. Someone will isolate me, will not talk to me, will pretend I'm not even there. Probably I deserve it this time. But I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Really. I don't want to cry because nothing really happens when I cry. And I don't want to pretend that everything is normal though because it will just make the pain worse. OH GEEZ. I really don't know what to do. I'm so stupid, selfish, dumb, jealous, COMPLICATED. No one knows how to control Karla the monster, even me! It's sad. Tragic. I wished that my 2006 be something better but how can I be so sure when it is already having a very, very rocky start? I made a vow to be like Haley. And now I'm afraid that I'm turning into a Brooke. Or worse, a Nicki.

Conscience: Fool! No amount of One Tree Hill can ever make you feel better. You are stupid. You are a big idiot.
Stupid Me: Sorry?

Unfortunately, the one thing I can do will NEVER be enough. Sorry will not be enough to change what had happened. But with all my heart I mean it. I'm sorry. I didn't know things will turn out that way. And I will understand if you don't accept it. I'm just really, really sorry. Once again my selfishness and jealousy took over and unlike before, I don't even know if I can ever feel normal again.

Oh god I just remembered what date it is today. And tomorrow. Shit.
Someone just please stab me.

"There are two tragedies in life: to find your heart's desire and to lose it."