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when everything feels like the movies..

You bleed just to know you're alive.
I'm not bleeding though.

So after that very emo post, I guess I'm still recovering. Not yet on my normal mode, but hopefully soon. I really didn't expect to be all dramatic that day but what can I do when everything just started to pour out? Sigh. I guess we all deserve moments like those sometimes. But I can say that the thing that happened last Thursday really had an impact to me. People may not know it (though some did after reading my post), but I am really having a hard time going through this. I started doubting myself and how I have been as a friend and as a person these past few days. Now I realized that the reason why they probably misunderstood me and what I did is because I never really show my true colors. Even though I've been telling myself to stop being a spongegirl, I can't help it. And now it lead to another bad incident. I really don't want people to see what I feel because I don't want them to think that I'm being over-acting or too dramatic. I just pretend to always laugh and though I know I am a cheerful and positive person, I really can't help it when there are days that I just feel down. But I don't want others to feel bad because of me, that's why I just resort to the next best thing: smiling and pretending that everything is okay. Though some people can "read" me and know when I feel bad or down, there are still times when I still don't admit how I feel or just joke about it because I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. Let's say I'm jealous of someone. I know my close friends know I'm jealous but sometimes I just fool around and say, "Oo! Kasi siya eh!" so that they wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. Sometimes, it works because either they lay off or they really see through what I really feel. But there are just some cases when I don't even want to bother dropping hints about what I feel and I just want to shut everybody out. Like explaining WHY I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel like I've said it too many times already that they wouldn't understand why I still feel that way. And it really puts me in this confusing state wherein I don't know how to deal with things anymore. Should I tell or should I keep it? They say I must admit what I feel, but when I do will they understand? I always end up thinking that they will never get it. So now, when everything turns into a mess, I expect them to understand me but then I realize, how could they? They don't even know. How can they understand what they do not know? I think I always put in mind the saying, "What you do not know will not harm you," that's probably why I don't always tell them how I feel. I keep on telling myself that they wouldn't be the ones who will get hurt by these emotions. It's my heart, it's my life. Now I realized that it is true, my feelings and thoughts will not hurt them but what I do with these emotions can be painful. And suddenly, I realized how selfish I have been when I kept all my feelings inside. I didn't spare them but I actually caused them pain. Absorbing may have worked in the beginning but it definitely backfired in the end.

I'm still not over this. Though things seem to be normal, I know it isn't. Even though we're THIS close, I feel miles apart. And even though we talk, I feel like nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? I feel so miserable. I was hoping that thinking about the Science Congress would make me feel better for a while. Now I feel worse.

Who am I kidding? I know YOU are reading this. Sorry. I just feel bad, that's all. Not your fault, whoever you are. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. :(

"I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'll understand.. when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."