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I've been having severe headaches and a fever over the weekend. My parents got so worried because I bumped my head last Saturday, so they brought me to the hospital today and had me checked by a neurologist. She suggested an EEG brain scan and gave some medications to manage what she classified as a "toxic vascular headache." I think it's just a snootier way of saying I have a migraine.

The EEG was a new and quite odd experience. They put on lots of wires charged with electrodes on different sections of your head. Then they ask you to do stuff like close your eyes, open your mouth, look at blinking lights -- things that trigger simulate brain activity. It was hard not to fall asleep when I had my eyes closed 75% of the time. All throughout I was thinking, "Oh my goodness what is gonna happen to me? What will they see? Are my neurons a-okay?"

I wanted to relax but I found it quite hard, honestly.

It's hard not to be paranoid in a place where all hope looks bleak.
The last time I was at the hospital, my grandma passed away.
Today, Cory fever was all over Makati Med. I could smell death, I swear.

I'm not usually so morose about hospitals and doctors. There was just something about today that made me feel so.. sad.

I guess no matter how hard I try to downplay it, I still miss my lola. The day she passed away is still so crystal clear inside my head. The sound of the heart monitor as it slowly made that one long beep, the rush of the nurses and doctors as they entered her room, the sobs and tears in between prayers -- it was still resonating in my mind. That day was a turning point in my life. I was 17 and I saw my lola die. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but it really is different when you see someone die, as compared to just hearing about it. When it happens before your eyes there is always that nagging little voice inside your head that says, "Maybe you could have done something," even when you know you couldn't. It will haunt you, it will linger -- it will always bring more questions than answers. I guess even after about eight months, I still haven't recovered.


I just suddenly realized how sad 2009 is for pop culture. Francis Magalona, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and now Cory Aquino -- icons of hope, faith, and dedication. I wonder how the older generations must feel right now. I didn't get to see them in their prime and yet I feel extremely sad, what more those they touched during the peak of their careers?

RIP, President Cory.


I wonder if there is a brain scan capable of showing who your ultimate desire is.. that one person who nestles comfortably in your conscious and subconscious mind. Hmmm :>