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Leaving it all to shuffle.

I've been having so many questions inside my head lately.

My iPod, Portia, is lying face up beside my dad's laptop and staring at me, calling me to reach out and touch her.

"Ask," she commands.

She knows her power over me, how I cannot turn away from her compelling spell. It's an irrational tendency to consult her. There's no point resisting, honestly. I know I shouldn't depend so much on her but in moments of (pseudo) desperation, all the should's and shouldn'ts just fly out the window. I eventually give in, close my eyes and ask..

At seventeen, I want to start believing that there is more to life than just fate. I've begun to realize how important the decisions I make are, how crucial every path I choose is to my future. Putting my capability to be rational to good use is a must. I've been disappointed quite a few times already, been hurt here and there, but I learned. As my PanPil19 professor told us, this is all just a big game: there is always a choice to make and a resolution to stick to. It is always up to us to make things happen. You decide your own destiny, she says.

I believe her, really.

But a part of me doesn't want to. What if we are all really just a part of this grandiose plan, and no matter what happens our destinies have already been decided? What if everything, even the little intricate details of our everyday are already pointing to the pinnacle of our very existence? It doesn't matter what we choose because in the end fate will take us to where we are supposed to be. Isn't that alleviating?

A part of me can't let go of that possibility that maybe, just maybe, the stars will align and the cosmos will come together to conspire that one moment, that one answer --

The allure of the uncertain once again enticed me.

So I click.
[ Shuffle Songs ]

What are you trying to tell me, universe?