home           about           blog           archives           domain           exits           ask

Post-hangover analysis.

I don't drink. I am actually one of the rare few who enjoy watching my friends go down, down, down one by one as the night plunges deeper. The thought of recording them and making them YouTube-famous never occurred to me though; I like to keep the "entertainment" for myself. Perhaps, just seeing others loosen up a bit and forget everything that's happening in their lives is refreshing for me. I have always been perceived as the lucky one, the girl with no problems, the one who has no reason to mess up. I have no tangible justification (for others, at least) to go crazy and wild. So I don't. I don't go around doing silly stuff that would usually cause parental anxiety attacks. I've been a good girl, really.

But sometimes being the good girl is tiring.

The one time I was supposed to use my raging teenage hormones as an excuse to commit to someone, I turned that down. The last time I was given the chance to lash out on someone who really, really disappointed me, I forgave him. The one time I was supposed to feel betrayed and hurt by a friend, I let it go. In cases where one is expected to be irrational and insensitive -- I did the grown-up thing to do and made the right decision. I'm supposed to be thankful, really. And actually I am. Not all kids can step back and think things through before making decsions. I was able to. But I guess a little part of me also just wanted a reason to be immature and senseless -- even for a night.

For the record, it wasn't peer pressure. A part of me wanted it for myself, not just because I was curious but because I felt like I needed a reason to feel bad. I've been putting myself up on a pedestal and I couldn't handle the pressure I was applying on myself. I wanted to do good but I felt that I have no reason other than it's what I should do, not what I wanted to do. Life has been generally okay for me, and I feel so unmotivated. I crave for chaos and stress because it keeps things interesting; it keeps me moving. Otherwise I just dissolve and fade into the background.

I guess at the back of my mind I was calling it a "social experiment." I wanted to know what it was like to drink so that it wouldn't be just a concept inside my head -- it would be an experience I can use as a basis in the future. And also because lately I've been having so many issues about myself that are often deemed by others as trivial, but are still troubling nonetheless. I'm at this point in my life where so many questions about my principles and beliefs are coming up and I have no idea where I stand. I don't know where I'm going -- am I taking these roads because it's what I want or it's what is wanted of me? How come things aren't turning out the way I want them to? You call it ridiculousness, I call it identity crisis.

However, this is a lame excuse really. I'm not defending my drinking as a good thing. I wouldn't want to be justifying smoking or drugs or sex in the near future. I know it was irrational of me. But at the end of the day, what's done is done. What did I get out of it? Nothing, really. Only a night (not) worth remembering, a proof of my friends' love for me, and a reason to lie down and sleep all day. Lesson learned. That one time was enough.

But did I feel good about myself? Somehow. Because now I really know that I don't need to drink to loosen up. I can refuse a drink not because my mom's voice would be ringing inside my head, but because I actually know I may not be capable of handling myself. I can move on from that one irresponsible incident and not go wondering "What if?" with all the other experiences others seem to be enjoying. I can take start taking some pressure off of me and start embracing my status quo -- I proved that I don't need alcohol to make things interesting.

So yeah. I got a bit drunk, said stupid things, recovered from the hangover, and woke up to the still uneventful life that I have. I can look back on that night and laugh at myself because it was stupid but it ended up as a rude awakening for me. I hope this doesn't make me a bad girl, but now I guess this makes me more normal. Yeyy!

On the other hand, what kind of normal person would analyze her first drinking experience?