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Hell hath no fury...

It's funny how for the last few weeks, something inside me has been wanting to get angry. It's weird, I know, but lately I've been finding solace in angsty rock songs. It's like I've been meaning to get mad at someone. I suppose it's because I never really do. Sure I have petty fights with my parents, or little arguments with friends, or the eventual disdain over a professor, but other than that I rarely get fuming mad. So maybe it's my body's way of reminding me that, "Hey girl, you need a healthy dose of rage too."

Enter 30 Seconds To Mars. Do you know how relieving it is to scream out The Kill with much conviction? Bury me, bury me, I am finished with yoooooou. Yes, I have my emo-screamo moments too, only they are fueled by songs and not by any real emotions.

But Jared Leto isn't really the point here.

So last night was quite eventful. In a nutshell, I found out about some things that 1) shocked me, 2) appalled me, and 3) hurt me. Of course I wouldn't go into all the gory details here (because I'm classy like that, haha) but let's just say it actually gave me more than enough reason to throw around chairs and break windows. Yes, it was that bad.

There, so I got what I wanted. I had every reason last night to finally fulfill my unexplainable, unfulfilled need to be infuriated, but what happened?

I popped the earphones and listened to 30 Seconds to Mars.
This time, they consoled me, instead of igniting the fury. It felt so lethargic.

I'm still quite surprised at myself, really. I swear in my mind last night was a string of expletives (in English, Filipino, and Italian -- yes, I'm snooty.) but I didn't utter a word. I never felt the urge to dial someone up and yell at them. Okay, so I cried a few tears, but I never really wreaked such a havoc. I was just.. quiet.

In CW100 class, every plot line must have a turning point. As you get deeper into the climax, something unexpected will flip things around. Something should shake things up. It need not be dramatic, just a word, an event, a moment where suddenly everything will change. And suddenly, nothing is the same anymore. This makes your character more three-dimensional, more realistic.

I think we need our turning points in real life, too. I guess it is during these little, silent moments that we begin to see who we are outside our everyday default settings. It is when we are triggered to an emotion so much more overwhelming than what we are used to that we see how capable we are at handling emotional turmoil. And it is only when we rise to the occasion that we realize how far we've come, how much better we are than what we thought we'd be, how much we've grown.

I needed something to get me mad, probably because that feeling has been dormant for quite some time now. But I also wanted a sign before I turn 18 that I'm doing things right, that I'm on the right track. I don't think last night was as melodramatic as your everyday soap opera (Though I had to admit, it did feel a little bit OTH-ish to me. And no, not in a Nathan-Haley kind of way) but it was intense for me nonetheless. But I got a hold of myself. And now looking back, I realized that I'm still a pretty decent human being after all.

So what am I going to do now?

I still don't know really. Suddenly, that's a few persons off the list of people I trust. But this is how life is. There are people who will hurt you, people who will take advantage of you. The challenge is to get past it and learn. We all know this, but maybe every now and then it just needs some reinforcing. But I'm going to get over this soon, I know it. I won't let this ruin my upcoming birthday. If anything, I see it as a blessing in disguise. At least, that's one shady secret out in the open -- now, it won't hurt me anymore.

As 30STM puts it in A Modern Myth, "The secret is out." Then Jared sings goodbye, seventeen times. What an epic ending that is.

And so, that's how this will end too. Goodbye.


Geeeez, I sound so mature. Are the raging teenage hormones dying already? :))