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I'm okay.

I don't know why but for some reason a part of me doesn't want to admit that I'm happy.

A part of me can't share myself to others when I'm in a better state. It's ironic how I close up and hide inside my shell when I'm completely, perfectly fine. I'd rather be alone, wallow in my happiness, than shower the world outside me with sunshine and rainbows.

It's not that I'm selfish and I want it all to myself. Of course, there's nobility in finding and sharing joy with others.

And I also don't suddenly disappear from the world and never speak to my friends again. I'd just rather really talk about normal stuff like school or the weather than share the reason behind my smiles.

Is it just me or are people more interesting when they're suffering? We all tend to exaggerate our miseries anyway -- how stressed we are, how heartbroken we are, how frustrated we are. Being confused and angsty is the fad. And when you're happy, people don't care about you. You've stepped outside the norm, you got to your happy place. Now leave all of us miserable beings alone and spare us your cheeky grins.

But I don't think that's the reason why I've been feeling like this.

Maybe it's because a part of me feels that by keeping it to myself, I make it more special. It's like I'm guarding a secret. The thrill of having this secretly, happy life makes it more meaningful. Unlike sadness, sharing your joys to others demystifies the whole thing. It diminishes it value in a way, because somehow the actual gladness escapes the words.

I feel guilty because all my friends have been asking me how I am and all I can say is the default answer: "Okay lang." Another part of me also wants to scream out loud, "I'm perfectly, completely, tremendously happy with how things are going with my life! I am loved!" but still that bigger part chooses not to. Not only because I fear being placed in the "cheesy addicted girlfriend" category, or because most of them don't even have someone to rage their hormones with, but also because I'd rather really keep it to myself. I like being mysterious. Cryptic.

So yeah. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm fiiine.