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Of the spotless mind.

So this week I was finally able to cross out one film from my bucket list, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I have always known of its cult following and great reviews but never really got around to watching it because -- oh not surprisingly, I keep forgetting. (How ironic, eh?) Anyway, thanks to the awesome boy-no-space-friend, I finally did this week.

All I can say is, why did I not see it any sooner? By far one of the best movies of the decade. Heck, ever.

(Spoiler alert! If you haven't seen it, skip this entry. Or better yet, watch it already! Go go go, torrent!)

The first thing that struck me about the movie was the couple, really. Joel and Clem are complete opposites, presented to us with their own seemingly incompatible eccentricities, and yet in that initial moment of meeting, you just know there's a connection. I love how they both did not fit in the stereotyped perfect couple cookie mold, because they made the movie all the more enchanting to watch. I'd like believe somewhere out there, there is someone as complex (if not more) than me, and together we can complement the complicated mess that we are.

But of course, the undeniable element of this play is the idea of forgetting. Lacuna, Inc. is a company that claims to have the scientific capabilities of erasing only certain parts of your memory. By mapping which parts of your brain store these memories (through recalling and story-telling) and by surrendering all the items which will remind you of that which you want to forget, they can selectively remove them from your mind and the next day, wake up with no recollection of anything even remotely close to that event in your life. And that is precisely what the main characters did. Went to Lacuna, Inc. and got their exes removed. Not a trace of their former lover. Very ideal for past relationships don't you think?

I've had my own share of painful experiences (romantic or otherwise) that, truth be told, I would very much rather forget. If only I can erase it completely off my mind, maybe I would especially with a seemingly easy procedure. And wouldn't that be practical? No more nasty fights with your current lover about your not-so-distant past. No more missing, longing, wanting of something from the past that should be over. No more loose ties or remnants of unresolved feelings. And best of all, no regrets. Just a clean, fresh slate for everyone.

It sounds awesome, right? Forgetting sounds like the perfect escape.

The question was staring me in the eye: Given the chance, would I want to forget?

One thing about me though (and this is, sadly, non-fictional) is that I am very forgetful. Ask my mom that, and she'll probably give you an entire notebook filled with events caused by my short-term memory loss tendencies. Like that one time I left a newly bought swimsuit at MOA. Or when I forgot to pay for something. Or when I forget (present tense) my ID, wallet, cellphone and anything else essential. The list goes on and on. I don't know why, maybe I lack potassium or maybe I just hit my head really hard somewhere along the last eighteen years of my life, but I'm just really makakalimutin. And it not only annoys my mom to bits, but of course, me too. It takes a toll on my personal life. Oh imagine the horrors of forgetting something for class or for an exam! Those "I know I know this!" moments -- nghhh. Terribly frustrating. And if only I could find a cure to this, trust me, I'd poop bricks if that's what it would take. If only my forgetfulness can be selective -- only embarrassing and hurtful moments, rather than really significant ones. (Like monthsaries? Haha.)

But then I thought, erasing something as big a deal as that, say, an entire relationship will not only remove all memory of the fights and the nasty arguments, but as well as the good times -- the time you tried (and failed) to tie a cherry knot using your tongue, singing annoying tween songs that are pointless but popular nonetheless, almost dying as you drove an ATV, spoon-fights and wrestling sessions, sunsets and walks in the rain -- everything. I would have nothing to hold on to, even the beautiful memories that made me happiest, because everything would be gone.

And you know what? No thanks. Give me all the emo cheesy songs I'd have to sing, the pints of ice cream I'd have to eat, the countless seemingly endless days I'd have to go through just to get over the pain. But I would never trade the memory of a significant relationship all for the sake of a clean slate. If it means forgetting even all the pleasure that came with that pain, then no thank you. For me, there is no memory worth forgetting. Because one little fact we unfortunately tend to forget is this: no matter how hard it may seem at first, you will get over it. You will see the silver lining. You will learn. One day you'll wake up, and it wouldn't hurt so bad anymore. Then you can look back on it not with remorse but contentment. Contentment that for that much pain, you also got so much more: strength. I'd much rather look back on life with a little remorse but with a sense of redemption, rather than look back on nothing.

I wish I never have to go through forgetting huge, important parts of my life. The scientific procedure in the movie is fictional, but amnesia, dementia, and Alzheimer's disease are all real. I'm scared of one day waking up and having no recollection of the life I lived, the life I'm living. I always want to remember. Everything. Every little detail.

Yes, even that time I farted real bad inside a prospective guy's car. *dies* Hey, what do you know, said guy is now the boy-nospace-friend. Maybe it was because of my undeniable fierceness? In every sense of the word :P