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On the brink of change (and sleeplessness)

The last few weeks have been incredibly overwhelming. The things that I've got on my plate right now weigh so much, that I cannot help feeling like the next several months (even years) of my life depend a great deal on this crucial time. Because of this, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - some serious, critical pondering about my self and my future, and everything else in between. I guess that's inevitable, given that I'm almost graduating and I'm at this point where everything is about to change. But it's also a bit daunting, especially since I have always pushed thoughts about the future away (and quite successfully so.) I'm afraid this time however, "Let's cross the bridge when we get there," isn't going to cut it anymore because the bridge, all rickety and atop an endless pit of darkness, is already right before me.

1. My thesis is probably the most understandable cause of all this stress, that goes without saying. The vision is still there, but I'm finding it difficult to get to where I want to go, because (1) I feel that my original plan was too ambitious and (2) a lot of other equally important things are demanding for my time and attention. Other papers to write, books to read, meetings to attend - I mean, sure, this is not the first sem I've had an incredibly demanding schedule, but this is the sem where it actually all matters. I cannot afford to have dried out creative juices at this point.

This is the last sem, and I can't mess it up.

2. Speaking of the last, lately I've been taking in UP like a lover just waiting for the break-up to happen. I'm feeling overly nostalgic about everything, from my solitary afternoon walks to random lunch dates with friends and coursemates. I've only been in the university for four years but I don't think I see myself someplace else. After having been embraced by this campus, I can't leave- I just can't.

Just last Sunday, I took the LAE, aka the next most important exam of my life next to the UPCAT. Law school has always been the goal since high school, and UP the destination. Getting into UP Law would mean so much not only to me, but to a lot of people around me too. And of course, it would affirm not having to leave the university at all. By itself, the pressure that comes along with passing is understandable. But what was even more disheartening than the pressure was the exam itself. It was difficult - it was exhausting both mentally and emotionally. Long after the pencil had been put down, the feeling of fatigue and anxiety still remains. It was that tough.

This test is going to define the next four years or so of my life. The only thing that's more frustrating is the waiting for the results. I'm trying my best to shrug it off and not worry about it, but I think I'm failing. Miserably.

3. Yesterday I had a conversation with a classmate whom I've only gotten close with in the last six months or so. We were never really friends and we've only been in the same class once, but we hit it off immediately the first time we bumped into each other at the Acad Oval. Apparently, we had a lot of things in common aside from belonging in the same department (DECL), like us being Scorpios, and falling for mechanical engineers, among others. Since that day, we would see each other unexpectedly on campus, and after the usual pleasantries of Hi and How are yous, we would always find ourselves in the same situation as the other.

We had a talk the other day about the ambiguity of feelings, especially with boys who value physics over poetry. It wasn't as if I don't already know the things we said to each other, but somehow, just sharing them and having someone else understand completely made everything clearer.

Futures and feelings always remain uncertain, but at least there are people to make you feel less alone, less scared.

4. Something certain, however, is a particular milestone this week. For all the worries I have about the future, at least for now, this is something permanent I can hold on to. It's the quiet constant that's been keeping me together lately.

Admittedly though, it makes me think a lot about the next few years or so, especially after my cousin's wedding last Saturday. Not that I'm imagining my gown and arranging the flowers in my head already - God, no. It does however beg the question of longevity and devotion. We've managed to reach this point mostly unscathed, but how long can we keep this up, considering the many changes that are just about to come? How stable is this anchor we're holding on to?

Twenty years, five years, or even maybe just a year from now, I might look back on this post and scoff at the triviality of these things I am now considering important. Perhaps they will not even change the course of my history as much as I believe they would. And maybe I'm just over-thinking things. But until everything is calm, and until things have fallen into place, these feelings will be pervading my thoughts, distracting me all day and keeping me up all night, forcing me to blog about them in the hopes of lulling myself to sleep.