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Musings from the fourth floor at four in the morning

(1) For the first time in a while, it isn't a rainy morning. The sky is not quite blue yet, just a shy shade of lilac still waiting for the grays to fade away. (2) It is marvelous how the chaos of a room looks comforting under the semi-darkness of early morning. (3) Blankets are on the floor again; the body speaks the truth in sleep: one has accepted that there isn't always comfort in warmth. (4) There is an overwhelming feeling of control when one chooses to eat breakfast at 4:21, when the clock looks at you and says "It's too early for that," but you take a bite anyway. (5) Much more empowering is thinking of other food while taking a bite. It is as if you are saying "Just because you are here doesn't mean it is you that I think about." (6) Being dramatic over a slice of bread is a symptom of stress and exhaustion. (7) But it can also mean being alone has been embraced again, that the idea of talking to yourself and no one being there to listen isn't so bad anymore. (8) Being alone is a circumstance. Feeling alone, however, is a different story. (9) The sky is blue now.