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So it begins again.

It's back to the battlefield that is law school once more for me.

The beginnings of new semesters usually elicit feelings of excitement, but the whole debacle of last semester kind of ruined it all for me. While I'm still thrilled about the idea of buying new pens and filling up new notebooks, there;s this undeniable feeling of dread that this semester is just going to be as tiring and demanding as the previous one, if not more. There is still also this fear, that perhaps there is something in me that I have lost permanently after having experienced such emotional and mental exhaustion. Sure, I don't doubt that I am going to be okay again eventually, and the idea of recovery is becoming clearer in my head now. But at the back of my mind, I think a part of me has embraced the pessimism that found its way into my system some time back. I was never like this. I was never the kind of girl that gave up on anything before I even got the chance to start it. I was never the type to push people away, just because I'm terrified. Yet, I also don't think it's something I can turn off just like that after everything that's happened - it's the natural consequence of it all, I guess.

I feel like for the first time though, I really am welcoming this new semester as a different person. I am seeing things with new eyes this time - perhaps no longer with colored glasses, but not with completely shattered ones either. It is overwhelming, for many reasons, but mostly just because there is this expectation that I know better now, that I can make better choices now, given all that has happened. In theory, I suppose that's right. But I'm still scared. I have to admit that.

At this point I'm already tired of saying it. And I'm sure people are tired of hearing it too. But it's there, the fear. I can't make it go away just yet. But I'm trying. Every day I wake up, every single time I get myself off the bed, that's me trying.

I won't promise myself anything big this semester. I don't need bold declarations of "I'm going to rock this sem!" or "This is going to be my semester, watch out!" Nothing about that false kind of confidence comforts me now - in fact, it only makes me feel the gaping hole between appearances and actual feelings. So when people ask me what's the game plan, I just shrug and say, "Let's see." Because other than the fact that that's all there is to it, I also don't know what's there for me. I am not looking forward to anything. I have no idea if I can survive ObliCon, I'm not even sure if I deserve to be in Crim 2 (our Crim 1 grades aren't out still), I can't tell if I'm ready to let people in again... I really do not know.

All I know is that I have this semester. And all that I want it to be is a blank page - not a continuation of the past, not an entirely different chapter either. Just a blank page.

As far as new beginnings go, I think I'm okay with that.