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Oh, 2012.

I will write about you, one day, when enough time has passed, when I have detached myself enough from the wake of your tumult - because if I try to force it now, it will only end up with words desperately trying to make sense of feelings that are yet to settle. You have been happy and sad in many ways, in varying degrees, some moments heftier than others, but mostly just really difficult. And while there are many things to be thankful for (like all the fantastic, beautiful friends I've met, gained, and found again), I cannot lie through my teeth and tell everyone that you have been a welcome change to my life. Because the truth of the matter is, I'm not yet there - I don't think I'm at that point where I can be completely objective about you and say, without hesitation, that you have actually been wonderful in your entirety, a blessing in disguise. Maybe six months, a year, ten years from now, you will be. But right now, I don't believe that yet. Not even on the brink of the first day of the new year, I don't.

Instead, I'll wear a polka-dot top and a red skirt, in a jocular-but-actually-kind-of-desperate attempt to attract good vibes or good fortune (or both) for the coming year. Because there's nothing else to do at this point but hope for the best - and try to look pretty in the process. 

Nowhere to go but up, right.

So, to you 2012, I just want to tell you what I've been meaning to say for the last six months of my life. Good riddance. I can't wait to finally get rid of you.


Hello from the pristine white-sand shores of Boracay!


Let your heart be light

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Coldplay

Everyone has crosses to bear, fights to battle out, and secrets to carry; but for one day every year, we are called to forget, to suspend, to put on hold - and sometimes, the calm, albeit temporary, may surprise us, bringing more good rather than harm, more permanence rather than delusion. And perhaps, even for just a day, that's good enough.

Have a happy Christmas, friends! Spread the love, the joy, and the holiday cheer. :)


Signs of life

It's the night before the night before Christmas, and you are trying desperately to remember the last time your bedside table was this clumsy, this full of books still unread.

But nostalgia isn't a direct flight, and it isn't even a taxi ride. Before it gets you to where you want to go it stops at different locations: bizarre ones, heavily-populated ones, ones you used to go to, ones you never thought you'd buckle yourself into again. Sometimes it takes a while, sometimes it doesn't; sometimes it surprises you how quickly you're brought back to a place, a person, a point. Once you're there, you're confused and ecstatic and all kinds of lost, because you know this isn't where you're going but it feels almost sublime - not quite, but almost, and God knows how enough that almost feels like. You stay, you linger, you latch on to it, until you realize it's been a while and you're not supposed to be there on those steps (or at least not anymore). You start walking, in an effort to get to your stop - or maybe just back to your point of origin, you're not sure, you're kind of disconcerted now, the landing was kind of bumpy and you forgot to take your aspirin - but do your feet bring you there? Do your hands?

You look at you bedside table, and you are only halfway through you stack of unfinished books. Then you see No One Belongs Here More Than You, bottom of the pile on the other shelf, yellow cover still pristine - and of course you reach out for it, of course you do, but not before mouthing the words to the first few lines like the chorus to a favorite song.




Robin: What do you want me to do, Ted? Run up to that roof, knock the ring out of Barney's hand and say, "Sorry to interrupt, but you should be with me,"?

Ted: Is that what you want?

-- How I Met Your Mother 8.12 (The Final Page, Part 2)


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"Yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'Yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career -- mistake-free."

-- Lily; How I Met Your Mother 1.21 (Milk)



I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping up the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home