home           about           blog           archives           domain           exits           ask

Psalm 63

Though many times I run from You in shame
I lift my hands and call upon Your name
For underneath the shadow of Your wings
My melody is You

- I Seek You For I Thirst


the only flaw, you are flawless
but i just can't wait for love to destroy us


On dating law students

It's so hard. They're always stressed, they're always angry. They're tense. All they ever think about are their grades and their recits. They're not fun to be around.

But what makes it more difficult is that law students will be exposed to so many cases, so many problems, and so much of the world, that they will no longer be the same people. They will change. No one stays the same in law school. It's either they leave you behind or you leave them behind.

- our Crim professor, on being in a relationship with a law student.*

We are such emotional liabilities. Why would anyone want us, again?

* - nonverbatim



the places you have come to fear the most

such a charming, beautiful exterior
laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
perfect posture
but you're barely scraping by

and the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee

is the place that you have come to fear the most

It's so hard to love you, Malcolm.


Labels: ,


Ask her if she wants to stay a while

(Because yesterday's entry was too sad, and because while eating ube jam I had an epiphany of sorts...)


Today is my first day back at the dorm after a long time, and well, I'm starting to get used to the general feeling of being alone again. Not that I haven't been always solo in this room, but well, the start of the new school year just brings me back to a different kind of loneliness, for understandable reasons.

I'm no longer the same person as I was a year ago - that I can own up to now. I've accepted my mistakes and realized where I went wrong. But coming to terms with growing up does not mean there are parts of your former self you can no longer keep. In fact, for everything else that has fallen apart, there is one thing that has remained constant.

I have always believed in the promise of seeing things one day at a time, of slowly getting to a silver lining. Surprisingly, even after everything that has been said, heard, and done, a part of me will always, always believe that it will get better. I don't know how that will happen and what it will take to get there. But it has to.

Maroon 5 said so.


Status Quo

So many things have happened lately that have drastically changed life in law school as I know it.

Actually, a lot of things happened to me in the last year that changed my life entirely. I don't think there were ever two months that were exactly the same in terms of how I felt, handled and dealt with things. There was always something different, and they weren't just changes at the surface. They were actual and substantial shifts in my point of view, my beliefs, and my convictions.

And after going through all that, have I finally settled into a comfortable, more stable version of myself? Sadly, no. In fact, I still think I'm at my lowest point. Even after everything that I've been through, I still have a long way to go before recovery.

It doesn't help that the environment I'm in only helps foster the demons I've long been trying to fend off. Yes, I'm talking about law school. And yes, even after a year, I'm still somehow convincing myself that I didn't make a mistake.

The thing is, so much that changed about myself and the way I look at things happened when I got here. It can even be said that they happened because I got here. I don't mean to say that I regret being here, or that I am not thankful to be part of this institution. I am. But there are so many things about it (and more particularly, the people in it) that have led me to question the things I thought I was most sure of.

It has brought out everyone's demons. And this is not just about academics. In the last year or so, I've seen how disappointing some people turn out to be after being subjected to this kind of pressure, this kind of weight. It saddens (and angers) me how even the best people can make the most terrible mistakes, just because they feel like they've been driven up the wall. Worst of all, I've seen how it affects the people outside it - the people who matter most to us, and the people who only want to see us happy.

I wish I can welcome the new school year more enthusiastically than this. And well, it's not like I have no reason not to. I have new friends, I've gained a lot of insight, and I've learned to appreciate the little things in life. I've let go of some baggage. But not others, and not completely. There are a lot of things that still need to be fixed, and I think the thought of that is what's weighing me down.

I'm all over the place right now. I wish things were different. But as it is, this is what I have on my plate right now. I just hope I have enough strength to keep wading through, even though I don't exactly know what I'm looking for.