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Status Quo

So many things have happened lately that have drastically changed life in law school as I know it.

Actually, a lot of things happened to me in the last year that changed my life entirely. I don't think there were ever two months that were exactly the same in terms of how I felt, handled and dealt with things. There was always something different, and they weren't just changes at the surface. They were actual and substantial shifts in my point of view, my beliefs, and my convictions.

And after going through all that, have I finally settled into a comfortable, more stable version of myself? Sadly, no. In fact, I still think I'm at my lowest point. Even after everything that I've been through, I still have a long way to go before recovery.

It doesn't help that the environment I'm in only helps foster the demons I've long been trying to fend off. Yes, I'm talking about law school. And yes, even after a year, I'm still somehow convincing myself that I didn't make a mistake.

The thing is, so much that changed about myself and the way I look at things happened when I got here. It can even be said that they happened because I got here. I don't mean to say that I regret being here, or that I am not thankful to be part of this institution. I am. But there are so many things about it (and more particularly, the people in it) that have led me to question the things I thought I was most sure of.

It has brought out everyone's demons. And this is not just about academics. In the last year or so, I've seen how disappointing some people turn out to be after being subjected to this kind of pressure, this kind of weight. It saddens (and angers) me how even the best people can make the most terrible mistakes, just because they feel like they've been driven up the wall. Worst of all, I've seen how it affects the people outside it - the people who matter most to us, and the people who only want to see us happy.

I wish I can welcome the new school year more enthusiastically than this. And well, it's not like I have no reason not to. I have new friends, I've gained a lot of insight, and I've learned to appreciate the little things in life. I've let go of some baggage. But not others, and not completely. There are a lot of things that still need to be fixed, and I think the thought of that is what's weighing me down.

I'm all over the place right now. I wish things were different. But as it is, this is what I have on my plate right now. I just hope I have enough strength to keep wading through, even though I don't exactly know what I'm looking for.